Talking to my memories
Memories, I would like to talk to you. I feel bad when I go to bed and the dawn surrounds me, and I hear the silence flowing through the undefined space of my mind. Time, this invisible partner of memories, emerges from the darkness and brings fearful fantasies of moments of joy and treacherous and pitiful moments that I don’t want to remember. Memories, you let me down amidst this storm of disorder when I try to understand the person that I’ve become in the future.
You, memories, satisfy my wishes and help me rebuild a world of fantasy and dreams where I imagine loves attitudes, and challenges that the real world never gave me. In these moments I see you, memories, with your visionary eyes, mirroring my past with a taste of suspense from a distant future. You, memories, are responsible for my woes because you are subservient to me.
Suddenly, I can hear some noise or distant sound that is approaching leisurely. I wake up and open my eyes to the dark reality of my room in stark contrast to the bright light from the street, to try to abstract myself from this dense reality. Oh memories! You are guilty of my anguishes and I blame you because you don’t have a face for seeing and talking to. You control a lot of possible faces and give me all the love that I never had; or positions in alleged professional careers, and trips that I will never take. How many times I asked you not to exist! Memories, you are guilty of my tears that slide down my face when I get lost in this imaginary world that I give you to live. I blame you because you belong to me, memories. At night, you emerge from a hidden drawer in my mind and you give light and life to my fantasies. You rebuild my choices to relive the past. You are like a manual from an investigator’s book that tries to seek answers in moments of cowardice when I didn’t say what the world was waiting for.
You convert my imaginary projects into perfect moments, without failures. This reality is submissive to me and I can enjoy a colourful world that makes me happy. You are the chaos between my tears and smiles. You are my madness and I reject you because of it.
It’s possible that I may make a deal with you: stay away from me and let me enjoy my moments of solitude, and don’t try to seize (ensnare)(catch) my thoughts. Leave me alone to find the solution to my anguish. Don’t bring a cozy world of lies to live in. Let me live with this void in my life, and if you want, fill it with a pragmatic world where everything is possible. Don’t let me live and sleep in this world of illusions what these things happen.
Memories, don’t bring back my youth and my past again what’s more don’t bring back my lovers and the fantasies that I experienced. Don’t bring back the pains that were the reasons of my growth and learning. Don’t bring back either my innocence or that world without responsibility. I don’t want to be dependent on you and always seeking answers in the past to restart my life because it would be impossible.
Memories, don’t bring hope and new joys because everything I wished for is no longer possible. I don’t want to live in the wrong time as if there were parallel roads or two coexisting worlds. Finally, when I go to bed tonight, let me rest in the black void of my thoughts because I don’t want to remember anything. And memories, don’t let me miss you.
Photo from: Foto de ian dooley on Unsplash
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